The Color of Death
by AHigherOctave
Summary: Friendship. Hate. Passion. Love. Friendship,they were back where they started, denying feelings, reading books, one of them in a relationship. Can they get where they’ve never been before? Or are they just going to keep killing themselves inside? Lit. AU
1. Blue: Death of Spirit

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gilmore Girls. I don't own the copyright to any of songs made by the band Lit. I just thought it would be fun to use one since it's so perfect for a Literati story.

**Summary: **Friendship. Hate. Passion. Love. Friendship, once again they were back where they started, denying feelings, reading books, one of them in a relationship. Can they get where they've never been before? Or are they just going to keep killing themselves inside? Lit, JJ

**AN: **Hi. How are all of you? Did you all enjoy this week's episode? Did any of you scream at the TV when she just let him walk away in the dinner scene or were you already yelling when she let Logan treat him like shit? And is it just me who was upset that she didn't even finish the book the first night? I mean, like he said-it was a short novel. Alright, so here's the after math.

**Previously on Gilmore Girls:**

Rory: This is my stop.

Jess: Okay.

Rory: So, you'll call me?

Jess: Yeah, I'll call you.

---

Rory: Jess, is that you? Jess, I'm pretty sure it's you and I'm pretty sure you've been calling and not saying anything but wanna say something. Hello? You're not going to talk? Fine, I'll talk. You didn't handle things right at all. You could've talked to me. You could've told me that you were having trouble in school and weren't going to graduate, and that your dad had been there, but you didn't. And you ended up not taking me to my prom and not coming to my graduation and leaving again without saying goodbye again, and that's fine, I get it, but that's it for me. I'm going to Europe tomorrow and I'm going to Yale and I'm moving on. And I'm not going to pine. I hope you didn't think I was going to pine, okay? I think. . .I think I may have loved you, but I just need to let it go. So, that's it, I guess. Um, I hope you're good. I want you to be good, and, um, okay, so, goodbye. That word sounds really lame and stupid right now, but there it is. Goodbye.

(Rory hangs up, on the other side of the country AKA California Jess hangs up and walks away solemnly)

---

RORY: About what? What do you want to talk to me about?

Jess: When did you learn to run like that?

Rory: You know, I have actually thought about this moment. A lot. What would Jess say to me I ever saw him again? I mean, he just took off, no note, no call, nothing, how could he explain that? And then a year goes by. No word, nothing, so he couldn't possibly have a good excuse for that, right? I have imagined hundreds of different scenarios with a hundred different great last parting lines, and I have to tell you that I am actually very curious to see which way this is going to go.

Jess: Could we sit down?

Rory: No. You wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?

(Jess pauses a second.)

Jess: I love you.

(Rory stares after him as Jess walks away, gets into his car and drives away.)

---

Jess: Don't say "no" just to make me stop talking or make me go away. Only say "no" if you really don't want to be with me.

Rory: No!

_**Blue: Death of Spirit**_

_He's disappointed in me. He would have hated me if he hadn't known me before. He hates Logan. He hates me living in that house. He hates my grandmother. He hates me dropping out of Yale. He probably hates my new hair too. _She'd been sitting in front of his publishing firm for an hour debating whether or not it was right to go in. _He could have moved on. _It was he first thought driving there and her every other thought since. Like some gaping hole. _He could have gotten over me; he could have come for closure. He must have._ She read his book, it had an open ending. It was placed on a bus after he left Rory…or Rory rejected him; it hadn't said anything she didn't know about his past. She knew how he felt about her, she knew that he cried. She didn't think he could have been broken but he was…almost as broken as she was. The door opened and she ran for her car quickly burying her face in a book and turning on the radio. Then she realized the book she'd been stupid enough to grad from the bookcase was a car owner's manual. _Shit._

**_I can't remember what it is you did_**

**_Somewhere along the way I'm giving in_**

**_I know I feel you when you're not around_**

_**Just like the angles from underground**_

He recognized the car; it had been the only car in the Yale parking lot when he'd wanted her to run away with him. It was the car she'd pulled into the driveway of the grandparents' house two weeks ago. He walked over and knocked on the window.

_**What am I trying to say?**_

**_The thing that I don't get about you_**

_**The way it makes me feel around you**_

_**You make the wrong seem right**_

_**Any old time of night**_

_**What is it I…**_

She rolled the window down and looked at him guiltily. "Hi," She whispered. "I decided to take you up on your offer." He gave her a look and she sighed.

_**I get so nervous when I hear the phone**_

_**You blocked the number so I never know**_

**_I can't forget the way you sound_**

**_And now I can't remember_**

_**How I did without**_

"I want to run away with you."

_**What am I trying to say?**_

**_The thing that I don't get about you_**

_**The way it makes me feel around you**_

_**You make the wrong seem right**_

_**Any old time of night**_

_**How is it when it rains at nighttime?**_

_**You turn the water into moonshine**_

_**And make the sun shine light**_

_**Carry on through the night**_

He didn't say anything and she almost cried.

**_I can't remember what it is you did_**

**_Somewhere along the way I'm giving in_**

_**I never meant to fall this hard again**_

_**Good things are all good until the end**_

She didn't give him any common courtesy she just drove off.

_**What am I trying to say**_

_**The thing that I don't get about you**_

_**The way it makes me feel around you**_

_**You make the wrong seem right**_

_**Any old time of night**_

_**How is it when it rains at nighttime?**_

_**You turn the water into moonshine**_

_**And make the sun shine light**_

_**Carry on through the night**_

_She's going back to Logan, _He thought. _I didn't say anything and she wanted to run away with me._

- - -

_It isn't fair; he wasn't supposed to move on._ She swerved the car toward Connecticut. _He was supposed to wait for me. We were supposed to be together. _Someone behind her honked and she went even faster.


	2. Green: Death of Mind

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gilmore Girls.

**Summary: **Friendship. Hate. Passion. Love. Friendship, once again they were back where they started, denying feelings, reading books, one of them in a relationship. Can they get where they've never been before? Or are they just going to keep killing themselves inside? Lit, JJ

**AN: **Well to start off. No, this story is not a one shot I am _way_ too much of a rambler to make anything a one-shot. I tried writing one once and it was just…I _had_ to continue it. It was calling for me. Anyways, I'm not sure how soon I'm posting this but I wanted to do death of mind before I thought of something else and decided to write that. And, yes, it may be the day after I posted blue but I'm in a fairly upbeat mood despite strep throat. So anyways I'm gonna get started now.

_**Green: Death of Mind**_

She was knocking on Logan's door. She was knocking on the dickhead's door. The guy she never wanted to see again last night. That was her only choice, wasn't it? Mr. Big shot Yale the dickhead or dickhead Dean who dropped out of college and cheated on his wife. Dickhead Yale wins by a thumb. She couldn't be thinking, only she must have been but not about anything worth getting back together with Logan for. _I have to get back at Jess. _Jess, that word stung in her body like nothing else could. She knocked harder and more impatiently then her cell started ringing, she scowled and looked at the Caller ID. _Logan._ Nope. Not as bad as Jess. She cursed herself and pressed the little green button and put on the same fake smile used at DAR meetings.

"I missed you." She wasn't thinking. That's the excuse she gave Lorelai when she asked why she took him back the next day, of course, she had left out that Jess had come and she went after him and tried to get him to run away with her. She still wasn't allowed in. Rory wasn't sure where in was but her mother wasn't there. She hadn't been there when Rory had been in Europe. Trying to feel or not feel or trying to escape…Ruining her perfect skin with anything that would cut it. Belt buckles, knives, thumbtacks, paperclips …not where anyone could see, of course, once in a while she'd go too far and slit a wrist and make some stupid excuse but Lorelai always believed her…because Rory was good and Rory would _never_ lie to Lorelai. Luke had been the one to get suspicious but Rory had learned to be careful around him. Now she had Logan though and Logan would cause her to bleed in other ways…ways she had only wanted Jess to make her bleed. _Jess._ That stupid word again, maybe Rory should be a good girl and get it abolished from the dictionary. But then his _stupid_ publishing company would print another one that had it again.

"Well start!" Lorelai had screamed and a pang hit Rory inside. _She doesn't understand… just like she never understood him…us…you can't tell her anything anymore now that she's with Luke and she's got the inn…she won't understand anything less than perfect._

"I've gotta go," Rory murmured getting up from the couch. She pet the dog on her way out and slammed the door behind her.

"So you're moving back in with us?" _Yes, bitch, it's not like mom's gonna take me back after I took Logan back and associated with Jess…ugh._

"Yes Grandma," She said cheerfully through gritted teeth. "I'm sorry I was so terrible at the DAR meeting the other day. I just had a little fight with Logan the other day…and I got a little scared that we weren't…"

"I understand Rory," Emily said putting a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. _Like hell you do. _"I'm sorry that I couldn't be here for you earlier. Should I have the maid bring some milk and cookies?"

"No thank you, Grandma," Rory said in her rehearsed little voice. _You're what drove him away._

He was supposed to go after her, he realized after about fifteen minutes of standing in front of the Henson building looking at where her car had been. If he could only remember where he parked…nope, no use, his apartment was only a few blocks away so it wasn't like he was losing much. Well, besides her. He wanted something he wasn't sure what…something he wasn't supposed to want. _Beer? _He thought and shook his head. _A smoke? _That was it but what kind. _Pot…Nope, not going into rehab for a year again._ Last time she rejected him he had gone away…he had quit his job and resorted to living in stairwells and on fire escapes until his mother had found out what he was doing then he was forced into everything rehab clinics have to offer. He was treated for drug addiction, alcohol addiction, and counseled for his problems with Rory; they even got him to quit smoking cigarettes, for the most part. First few sessions had been useless.

_"Mr. Mariano," The shrink smiled. "What seems to be the problem?"_

_"Well, I think the paperwork tells you that, Chuck." He snapped leaning back in his chair and glaring at the man._

_"What was the cause of your addiction?"_

_"Well you see, a couple years ago I got in a fight and they gave me drugs to ease the pain."_

_"Really?" The man raised an eyebrow looking through his paperwork. "I must have missed that."_

_"It's not in there," He smirked. "I had a cold, they prescribed some penicillin or something."_

_"What was it?" He ignored Jess. "Your parents? A girl?" Jess flinches slightly. "Ah, a girl. Did she like you? Did she cheat on you? Did she break up with you? Come on, buddy. I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's wrong."_

_"You promise?" Jess asked in a weak voice and the psych nods. Jess walks over to the door and opens it. "Hey, you promised." He said as the man started to get up and slammed the door behind him._

He walked back to his apartment and opened the door, closing it softly behind him and ending up on his sofa fumbling with his keys. "Rory came back," He told them. "This time she asked me to run away with her, know what I did?" The keys didn't answer him. "I didn't say anything and she drove off on me." The keys jingled, mocking him. "How would it feel if I drove the car without you? Hot wired it or something. What purpose would you have then? None. You'd just sit here and wish you had a car." He slumped down and stared at the ceiling. "I wish I had a car."


End file.
